Hal Spacejock 7: Big Bang Read online

  Amy frowned. "You're not suggesting we sew badges on the officer's uniform, and then make fun of him? Because if you are —"

  "No, of course not. All we have to do is puncture his pride … or threaten to."

  "How?"

  Hal turned to Clunk. "Can you translate for me?"

  "I'm sure I can make myself understood."

  "Good. Explain to the general that he and his crack troops were beaten by nothing more than a primary school teacher. No offense," he said to Amy, in an aside.

  "Plenty taken," she said, with a frown.

  "Lay it on thick, Clunk. Tell them she teaches children. Tell them how young and defenceless she is, and how —" Hal saw Amy's eyes narrow, and he remembered the way she'd hurled chunks of rock at him. Defenceless? Hah. "Look, I know Amy's fierce and resourceful, but it's important he thinks they've been humiliated, okay? It's part of the plan."

  Amy nodded, but her lips were pressed tightly together.

  "Once he's humiliated, then what?" asked Clunk.

  "Simple. Then we explain that we're going to tell his commanding officer all about it. Unless —"

  "Aha," said Clunk, as realisation dawned. "Emotional blackmail!"

  "His career would be ruined, right? Him, his troops … they'd be a laughing stock." Hal spread his hands. "So, we offer to hold our tongues about his humiliating capture, and in return they go back and file a nothing report. As in, nothing happened, nothing to see. No retaliation."

  "I think it might just work," said Clunk. "Assuming I can find the right words, that is."

  "Give it your best shot." Hal clicked his fingers. "Oh yes, and remember to tell him we're not locals."

  "I think he knows that," said Amy. "You know, what with our lack of antlers and fur."

  Clunk smiled, then crouched next to the officer and spoke haltingly. After a few moments he removed the officer's gag, and there followed a rapid conversation featuring gutteral noises, snorts and a whole lot of oinking. The rest of the soldiers turned their heads to watch, their eyes curious above the rough gags. Slowly, their expressions changed, and then, as one, they all turned to look at Amy. Also as one, they all sagged, as though someone had pulled the bungs out of a row of inflatable toys.

  "I think we got through," remarked Hal.

  The officer said something in a low voice, and Clunk patted him on the shoulder. Then, before anyone could stop him, the robot untied the officer and helped him to his feet. "Don't worry," said Clunk. "They're more than happy to cooperate."

  Hal breathed a sigh of relief. Then he noticed the deer-like aliens had frozen in the midst of packing their belongings, and were watching events with expressions ranging from fear to outright terror. "You'd better tell them what's going on," he said to Clunk. "For all they know, we just changed sides."

  Clunk hurried to expain, and a few moments later the officer and the elder held out a trotter and paw respectively, before engaging in a hurried, awkward shake. The rest of the troops were set free, and Clunk returned their weapons … after draining their charges into his own batteries. He did the same with the guns mounted on the vehicles, and then the soldiers clambered onto the trucks and held on tight as the drivers tried to turn the pick-ups in the tight space. One of them side-swiped a building, raising a groan from the watching villagers, and as he pulled clear the truck door groaned and buckled against the solid timber, leaving a lengthy gash in the bodywork.

  Then the trucks were clear, and they drove off in a cloud of dust, leaving only the lingering whine from their engines to show they were there at all.

  "I hope we did the right thing," said Hal, as he flapped the dust away from his face.

  "If we didn't, they'll come straight back with reinforcements," said Clunk gravely.

  Chapter 32

  "So, what's the next move?" asked Hal. "Back to the teleporter? Or should we —"

  "Wait a moment," said Clunk, raising one finger. "I'm picking up communications chatter from the vehicles."

  They were all silent while the robot listened, head on one side, and then he turned to them with a serious expression. "I believe we just made a tactical blunder."

  "Go on," said Hal. "Surprise me."

  "That officer we just released … he was slightly more important than I thought." Clunk hesitated. "In fact, he was a lot more important."

  "Still waiting for the surprise," said Hal.

  "He was … he is … the military commander in charge of the whole planet."

  There was a lengthy silence, eventually broken by Hal.

  "What you're saying is, he doesn't have a superior officer?"

  "That's about the size of it."

  "So the blackmail idea … threatening to embarrass him in front of his commander —"

  "Isn't going to work."

  "We should have guessed he'd feed us a bunch of porkies." Hal glanced towards the treeline, then scanned the sky. Within minutes the area would be crawling with enemy troops, and when they'd finished killing everyone a squadron of airborne assault vehicles would probably lay waste to the entire area. "What was the commander doing out here, anyway?"

  "Perhaps it was a morale-building exercise for the troops."

  "If so, it'll be the first and last time," said Hal, with a snort. "Oh, well. I guess we'd better herd these folks towards the teleporter."

  "What folks?"

  Hal glanced towards the settlement, then did a double-take. Everyone had gone, leaving a few scattered belongings in the dust. "What … where … who?" he stammered, looking around.

  Clunk was busy interpreting another transmission, and didn't answer. While he stood there, head on one side, Hal scanned the surrounding hills until he saw a column of aliens hot-footing it through the trees. Most were carrying large packs, but despite the load they didn't look like they were going to slow their pace for about a week. "So much for organising resistance," remarked Hal.

  "Give them a break," said Amy. "They can't fight back with a handful of farm tools."

  "You're right. I bet they wish we'd never shown up."

  Amy shook her head. "When I arrived those pig creatures were about to shoot half the settlement in cold blood. At least now they have a chance."

  "It's a pity we didn't hang onto some of those energy weapons. A couple of guns would have been …" Hal's voice tailed off as Amy reached behind her back and drew one of the small white blasters from her belt. She checked the indicator, then sighted along the barrel at a tree or two. "How come you get one?" demanded Hal plaintively.

  Amy gave Hal a wink. "Some of us think ahead."

  Hal eyed her with new-found respect. He already had a healthy regard for her unexpectedly warlike nature, but keeping hold of a gun when Clunk was around was like losing your wallet in a betting shop and finding it two days later … with the cash still intact.

  Meanwhile, Clunk had finished translating the message, and he turned to them with a thoughtful expression. "The B'Con are going to throw everything they have at the settlement."

  "Figures."

  "They're sending all their troops, all their flyers … everything."

  "Yes, you said that already. Repeating it doesn't make it sound any better."

  "Meanwhile, their base will be left unattended."

  Hal's eyebrows rose. "Are you suggesting we capture their headquarters?"

  "We're sure to find a working teleporter there, and if we sabotage the rest of the base it would give them pause for thought."

  "Sure. And what about their defences? They won't leave a door key under the mat for us. There'll be armed robots, sensors, gun turrets, neuro-toxins, laser beams … these guys are seriously bad news, Clunk."

  "They don't have that sort of technology here," said Clunk. "You saw their personnel carriers … they were just pickup trucks with guns on the back."

  Hal frowned. Clunk was right … on some human planets he'd seen hovertanks, combat robots, armoured suits and more. Here, the military seemed very low-tech. "These are the guys who
built the teleporter network, aren't they?"

  "Yes, but the B'Con empire spans entire galaxies. That takes an awful lot of resources, and there are thousands - no, millions - of backwater planets which have been isolated for decades. Look at the teleporter we used when we arrived … it hadn't been used for so long it was all but buried."

  "You seem to know a lot about these B'Con guys."

  "I've been accessing their data feeds," explained Clunk. "I already have a map of the area, and I also found a floor plan of their base. It's not far from here, and if we hurry —"

  "Don't waste time talking about it. Lead on!"

  * * *

  Hal parted a couple of branches and peered through the bush he was using for cover. Down below, at the bottom of a gentle slope, there was a collection of tin sheds and garages connected with makeshift tunnels. There was also a radio mast which had a drunken lean to it, and the area was littered with vehicle parts and empty drums and barrels. The base was protected by a rusty chainlink fence with several gaping holes, and the buildings had also seen better days. As far as enemy bases went, it looked about as impregnable as a cat on heat.

  "Well, at least we don't have to worry about laser towers and body scanners," remarked Hal. "So, what's the plan? Huff and puff from here until the whole lot falls over, or sit around waiting for the next stiff breeze?"

  "We ought to conduct a search." Clunk glanced at Amy, paying particular attention to the weapon she was holding at the ready. "Amy, I'd appreciate it if you don't shoot at anything. If we meet resistance, they're likely to be much better armed than us."

  "Okay."

  "In fact, I think —"

  "Oh, here it comes," said Hal. "Whatever he says, don't give it up."

  Clunk frowned. "I was just going to suggest I look after the weapon."

  "You must have quite a collection by now," said Hal. "What do you do with them all? Sell them to enthusiasts, or polish them up and display them in cabinets?"

  "Mr Spacejock, you're being unfair. I admit that, in the past, I have relieved you of certain lethal weaponry, but I assure you I had your best interests at heart." Clunk turned to Amy. "I believe it would be in your best interest, too. After all, you're not trained in the use of —"

  "That's okay," said Amy. "I'd rather keep hold of the gun."

  "Good luck," muttered Hal. "Hey, you don't have a spare do you?"

  Amy shook her head.

  With the firepower situation resolved, the three of them turned their attention to the base. They'd been watching it closely for the past ten minutes without seeing a soul, and it seemed the aliens really had left it deserted. Unlikely though it seemed, the B'Con troops had demonstrated a tendency towards over-confidence, and the thought that someone might be brave enough to infiltrate their base clearly hadn't occurred to them.

  So, after wasting another couple of minutes watching the deserted buildings, Hal decided enough was enough. He gestured to Amy and Clunk, waited for them to move into the open, then sheltered behind the pair of them as they all moved towards the fence.

  There were no warning shouts, and nobody fired at them. A loose piece of tin creaked and flapped in the breeze, but that was the only sound. Hal felt the whole place was too quiet, but they didn't have much time to waste. Any minute now the alien force might come roaring back again, and he didn't want to be trapped inside the fence.

  The three of them hurried through the entrance gates and took shelter near the doors to a large hut. The doors were open, and when Hal risked a quick look he saw several rows of bunks, all unmade. There were clothes all over the floor, dirty plates and cups on every surface, and a sour smell of sweat and stale food.

  "What a pig sty," he muttered in disgust. It didn't occur to him that his own ship would look and smell just as bad if Clunk wasn't around to clear up.

  They left the barracks via one of the tunnels, their footsteps echoing off the tin walls despite their attempts to be quiet. At the far end they found a pair of doors, which Hal opened with much effort and even more noise. The bottom of the doors squealed on the floor and the hinges creaked and groaned as though they hadn't tasted a drop of oil in twenty years.

  "Not big on maintenance, are they?" whispered Hal.

  Clunk nodded. "There's a valuable lesson in there, Mr Spacejock."

  "Why are you two whispering?" asked Amy, in her normal voice.

  "We don't want them to hear us," mouthed Hal.

  "Huh. Like they didn't hear those doors." Amy eyed her pistol, then turned the safety catch on and tucked the weapon into her belt.

  "You might need that."

  "Nonsense. This place is deserted."

  Hal was about to argue, but he realised she was right. He finished opening the doors, and together they entered the large garage beyond. Inside they saw a row of pick-up trucks with mounted guns on the back, identical to the one Amy had used at the settlement. Hal glanced along the row, then paused. One of the trucks had a long gash in the side, and he realised it was the exact same vehicle.

  "Wait a minute," he muttered. "If the trucks are here, how did the troops get back to the village?"

  "Some kind of aircraft?" said Clunk.

  "Are you kidding? These guys don't even have a kite to fly."

  "How can you tell?" demanded Amy.

  Hal gestured at the window. "No control tower, no hangar, no landing lights, nothing." Then he spotted something else - up in the corner, a battered-looking camera was watching them. Hal kept his eyes on the housing as he moved to the left, and he saw the camera tracking him jerkily. Then he moved right, and the camera tracked him that way, too.

  "We have to leave," said Hal out the corner of his mouth. "Make for the exit, but don't let on."

  "Don't let on to what?" asked Amy.

  "No arguments, no discussion. Move out, right now."

  "But —"

  "It's a trap!" hissed Hal. "Now get moving, before —"

  Too late. Someone blew an ear-splitting whistle, and suddenly the garage was full of armed troops. They bobbed up from behind the vehicles, dived in through the windows, kicked out ceiling panels and slid to the ground on ropes, and flooded in through the doors. Within seconds Hal and Amy were surrounded, and at that point Hal realised two things:

  One, that it had been too quiet all along.

  And two, Clunk was nowhere to be seen.

  Chapter 33

  "Kippa ni trent! Goh!" barked the pig-faced soldier.

  Without hesitation, Hal put his hands up. He had no idea what the soldier was saying, but the gesture with the weapon and the aggressive tone of voice made it pretty clear: surrender or die.

  Amy did likewise, and was quickly relieved of the small blaster she'd managed to keep from Clunk. Then they were both marched out of the garage at gunpoint.

  "What do you think they'll do with us?" murmured Amy, as they were herded along the tunnel to the barracks.

  "They'll probably question us for a bit," muttered Hal. He didn't elaborate, and from the nervous look on Amy's face he didn't need to. These aliens would want to know everything about the human race, and the interrogation could take a very long time. A lifetime, even.

  Suddenly, it dawned on Hal that they'd been comprehensively outsmarted. The radio messages Clunk had picked up, the way the aliens had announced they were leaving their base unprotected … it had all been an elaborate trap to catch the humans. Hal cursed under his breath. How could Clunk have been so gullible? Then he remembered the robot had slipped away in the confusion, and he hoped there was a decent rescue plan in the offing. Clunk was resourceful, and Hal was sure the robot would whip up a suitable scheme in no time.

  Then again, with his luck Clunk would run out of batteries just before he could unlock their cell door, leaving Hal and Amy to a lifetime of torture and questioning.

  * * *

  Clunk watched the soldiers lead Amy and Hal away, and as he saw the humans being pushed and shoved it was all he could do not to rush in and help. He kne
w it would be pointless though, and staying out of sight was the best chance for all of them. He was pretty sure the humans would be kept alive, at least for the time being. The aliens would want to interrogate them before arranging any executions - or at least, Clunk hoped so.

  When the soldiers descended on them, Clunk had been inspecting the nearest vehicle, and he'd escaped detection by rolling underneath and clinging to the chassis. Thankfully the B'Con had been eager to drag their captives away, and hadn't given the garage more than a cursory search.

  Clunk was about to lower himself to the ground when he heard a noise, and he quickly hid again. A couple of soldiers had returned, and they argued amongst themselves as they searched the garage. Clunk listened carefully, and gradually he pieced together their conversation.

  "They say there was a third Euman. A metal-man with urine-yellow skin."

  "Metal or flesh, my gun will destroy it."

  The first soldier thumped his clenched trotter on his chest. "Glory to the B'Con."

  "All hail the empire."

  "Reckon they'll promote us if we catch this metal-man?"

  "Who gives an excrement about promotion? I'm going to rip his fornicating head off and play footy with the thing."

  Clunk swallowed nervously. He thought it was bad enough the B'Con were a race of brutal, ruthless soldiers, but now things were far worse: it appeared they were also keen soccer fans.

  The soldiers continued to search, poking around in cupboards and lockers, and peering inside the vehicles. Clunk felt exposed, and if one of the soldiers decided to peek under the trucks he knew he'd be spotted instantly. He began inspecting the underneath of the vehicle, examining the pipes and wiring. If necessary, he might be able to cause a fire - or even an explosion - and escape in the ensuing confusion.

  He got as far as decoding the vehicle's control interface when the soldiers finished their search, fortunately without spotting him. As soon as they left, Clunk lowered himself to the concrete floor. Then he rolled out from under the vehicle like a double-jointed spider, bending his arms and legs in both directions to keep his body off the ground. Once clear, he sprang up, and with one powerful thrust from his leg motors he leapt on top of the vehicle. From there he reached into the garage's roof cavity, using one of the many cross-beams to pull himself up.